Okay, look.

As I continue on this journey I’m learning a lot about movies and my own viewing habits. One of them is, for the past ten to twenty years I have only seen movies if I was fairly certain I would like them, and even then my average was about fifty-fifty good versus bad. I will go into this more in my ‘month in review’ post which I shall do up as soon as I’ve wrapped up this months films, but I feel part of that information should be imparted now. Namely, the simple fact that there are some movies that I’m just not going to like.

It’s a mutual decision between me and the film.

Tooth Fairy doesn’t care if I like it, I don’t care if it doesn’t like me, neither of us need each other. So…you would think writing a review of it would be a walk in the park. But the thing is, it’s January. And I’m realizing now that if I point out that every movie that is boring and predictable is…well….boring and predictable, then I’m going to be writing that a lot this year. There is, after all, a world of films I haven’t been seeing. Those that are boring and predictable and are fine with that thankyou very much. Me saying it isn’t helping anyone.

But the thing is despite the fact that I wouldn’t recommend this film I found myself, after having seen the Spy Next Door and Leap Year, impressed. Maybe it’s because I’ve now been introduced to the concept of comparative scale (this movie is good for a summer movie. This movie is good for a romantic comedy. as opposed to this movie is good because I liked watching it) that I actually see things in this film that I might not have seen otherwise.

So, for this post, I’m going to tell you what works in this movie that I wasn’t too big on. After all, this journey is about me becoming a better filmmaker, not me becoming a better critic.

Tooth Fairy tells the story of Derek Thomson (played by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson). Derek used to be in the NHL but an injury sent him to the minors. While there he found that he had the ability to knock people’s teeth out with a decent shoulder check (in this film, hockey players don’t wear bite guards. Everyone seems to accept this). Derek is dubbed “the Tooth Fairy”. He stops trying to rehab his shoulder so that he can go back to the majors, and turns into a goon. He protects those that score points and the crowd loves him for it.  But Derek has lost his faith, and his belief, and the result is he is constantly crushing the hopes and dreams of those around him. The last straw is when he is over at his girlfriends house (Ashley Judd) and without thinking he almost destroys her youngest daughters belief in the Tooth Fairy.

The next night he receives his punishment for this, as he receives, under his pillow, a summons to go to Fairyland, where he is forced to work for one week as a Tooth Fairy, as a punishment for killing dreams.

Things that worked.

Dialogue: The movie was written by Lowell Ganz and Baballoo Mandel. Two legends of the screenplay world. While the story is ultimately beneath them, they shoot in some genuinely good one liners and surprisingly accurate depictions of why it is an aging athlete might lose his confidence.

Derek’s life: Derek is stuck in the time when he had money. His car, his apartment, his clothes. Everything kind of looks like he stopped buying things in the nineties. This is my favourite thing about the movie. Take Derek’s car, a nineties model Corvette. Now, a lazy Filmmaker would have gone one of two ways. One, give Derek a horrible, beat up, falling apart car to make sure everyone knows  he’s going through hard times or two, give Derek a new model luxury somethingsomething, not because it has anything to do with the story line but because Lexus or BMW or whatever paid good money to get their new model car in a movie and god damned it they’re going to see it there. But that Derek still drives his corvette, the one he probably bought with his first big paycheck, just fills you with a sense of tragedy. This guy is still pretending to be who he was ten years ago.

Cast: Lots of good here. Dwayne Johnson is likeable and a better actor than any pro wrestling star to make the cross over yet. Stephen Merchant (as the wingless tooth Fairy that helps Derek learn the ropes) essentially takes the Ricky Gervaise role as the dry englishman and show he can do it just as well. Julie Andrews, well, I love Mary Poppins so she can do no wrong. And while Ashley Judd is in a very generic role that wouldn’t have stood out if it was played by Meryl Streep, those that play her two kids (Chase Ellison as the surly teenaged boy and Destiny Whitlock as the little girl in danger of losing her belief) are surprisingly good in their roles. Not too cutesy, and not full of gestures that child actor often rely on. Either they are naturally gifted or well directed but either way, they work.

As for the rest of the movie, it’s exactly what you’d expect. Derek learns to believe, children get confidence, the hockey team wins, basically everyone is better off at the end than they were at the beginning just as it should be in a film like this. But on a comparative scale, it is at least a step above this years other formula films.  I think this is why more critics use a star system. While this is not a good film, it at least puts in enough effort to earn two stars (as opposed to Leap Year or the Spy Next Door which would only get one a piece). And honestly, after sitting through some pretty painful experiences so far this month, I’m at least happy a few people were trying on this one, even if they didn’t totally succeed.

Okay, next up (I.E. tonight) is Extraordinary Measures. Which wraps up the third week of January.

Cheers.

Sef.

There is a slogan I like to think I came up with, partly out of vanity and partly because I know I came up with it. It’s to identify the moment in a movie, show or book where everything starts going downhill. the moment it goes off the rails.

I call it the “Oh no” moment.

Some examples.

The reboot of Battlestar Galactica is, in my opinion, one of the best shows ever made. Especially the first and second seasons. However, one of the things that made it so riveting was its myriad of cliffhangers, many of which set up in the first episode. Round season three, during a talk Dr. Balthar was having with Six (going out on a limb and saying you guys don’t need back story) Six reveals that the biggest secret, who the cylons are, is a secret even to the cylons. Thus revealing a bigger truth, the writers have no clue who the cylons are and are making it up as they go along.

Oh no.

In Smoking Aces we get a movie that is just a bad crime film with a joyful lack of moral fiber. For the first half hour you feel like you’re about to get your adrenaline fix and not have to think too much about it later. Then they start setting up the twist ending. The problem of course being they set it up in eighty foot tall neon letters that say “Twist Ending” with a big arrow pointing to it, as during a flashback it becomes painfully obvious that an undercover cop who ‘died’ years ago isn’t  in fact dead but is still undercover as the main bad guy. Turning a fun shoot em up into a tedious waiting game to get to the Big Reveal.

Oh no.

In Legion, the  “oh no” moment comes early.

The movie centres around the Angel Michael, who has come down from heaven to save the next Christ. The twist being that he’s not saving this unborn child from satan, but from god and the Archangels, as god has decided to purge humanity as he is disappointed.

Michael’s search for the child leads to a truckstop diner in the middle of no where (if  truckstop Diner is in the middle of somewhere it’s just a restaurant). At this diner works the mother of  the next Christ, her boyfriend Jeep, and the owner, played by Dennis Quaid. All the powers of heaven are converging on this point and they just have to hold them off until the baby is born, as then it’s Christ power makes it impossible for the angels to kill.

I made the mistake of reading the reviews before I showed up to the thing (something I have decided I will no longer do as I realize it’s playing with my head when I sit down in front of a computer to write) but I already knew it wasn’t well received. Upon the opening scene I became hopeful. It looked beautiful, the action was suspenseful, it was loaded with good actors (Okay, not loaded but they were there) maybe this wouldn’t be a waste after all? I even forgave the most obvious flaw, why would god send his only son (okay, his only son’s younger brother) down to earth if he was going to destroy it? I was fine with that. The brain was already turned off, looking for some serious angel on angel fighting.

Then, right about the begining of what feels like the third act, Michael explains to Jeep  why it is he went against god. It was because he saw good in humans. Specifically in Jeep. It was in you…Jeep…that I saw that there was good in mankind after all.

Oh no.

I know when he says “Jeep” he means all good people. but the thing is, he just keeps saying it. It’s a monologue about how great Jeep is and Jeep is just watching him with an expression that is either shock or an open eyed nap. That monologue stated one thing. This movie is going to take itself very seriously from this point on.

And it does. The entire middle of the film consists of monologues. I’m not kidding. Every character has to explain to every other character why it is the way they are. The problem with something like this is, not only is it boring, but since there’s no need to pay attention you start thinking of the other parts of the film and realizations that an audience is supposed to save for later  (like the massive flaws in god’s attack plans which I’ve already referenced) pop up to early.

Oddly, even the movie itself seems to give up after that. In the climactic battle between Michael and Gabriel, Gabriel as a force of nature seems to go from being nigh invulnerable to easily hurt with no rhyme or reason. Characters turn bad simply because it furthers the  plot and not because it makes any sense. And everyone, and I mean everyone does that thing where you’re talking and a single tear falls down your cheek, but the thing is you’re not actually crying, it’s just that one escaped tear that got down your cheek.  Don’t they look tragic? With that one tear? Oh for fuck’s sake.

There could have been a good story in here (and some would say there already was one back in the nineties. rent The Prophecy if you don’t believe me) but it jumped the tracks and never  got back on. Sadly, the best thing to say about this movie is that it’s forgettable. No one’s career is going to be hurt, it’s probably not going to make any ‘worst of the year’ lists because no one would bother to put it on. It’s exactly what it shouldn’t be, a movie about an event of biblical proportions that feels like it has the same stakes as an a checkers game in the park.

Oh no.

Okay, nothing tomorrow but I’ll be back on Saturday with The Tooth Fairy.

Cheers.

Sef.

Starring Jackie Chan, Amber Valletta, Billy Ray Cyrus And George Lopez.

Rushed and unthought out, this is a waste of an icon.

Jackie Chan’s latest film is his most clearly for kids that I’ve ever seen. The plot centres around Jackie as Bob Ho, a super spy pretending to be a pen salesman. But he decides to retire the life because he’s fallen for his next door neighbour (played by Amber Valletta) and he wants to settle down with her. Problem is, her kids hate him. To add to the problem, her father just had an accident and is in the hospital so she has to travel across the country to take care of him. This leaves Jackie in charge of the kids. Topping it all off, a criminal mastermind that Bob Ho put in prison has escaped and is tracking him down, putting him and the kids in danger.

In the day, I would have been fine with this plot.  It probably would have made me giddy. Mostly because it encapsulates the two factors needed to make an awesome Jackie Chan movie. Factor 1: the plot has to be fairly light hearted, Jackie is best when he’s smiling. Factor 2: It gives us a lot of opportunities for action. You see, that was always the point. Jackie Chan’s movies were vessels for his Martial Arts skills and a story like this would mean we get to watch Jackie fighting as a spy, Jackie fighting  with children, Jackie fighting with bad guys while he changes a diaper. All the stunts would be done by Mr. Chan, of course, and all of them would be genuinely dangerous. It was always part of Jackie’s mystique. The man put his life on the line to do a stunt that could have killed him just so he could get it all in one take, as opposed to an edit point in the middle so that he wouldn’t really have to dodge a car.

Now, obviously Jackie couldn’t keep it up forever. Along with all the damage he did to himself  he (like many an action hero before him) must age. But the problem with this movie is it takes the least important part of the Jackie Chan film (the lighthearted plot that sets up the action sequences) and then sacrifices the main part (the action sequences). Sure there’s a couple fights, and they’re even pretty entertaining for what it’s worth, but it feels like watching a revival of an old band. He’s just doing it to get an applause.

But it is still Jackie Chan. Even if his high kicks don’t go as far up as they used to he is one of those people who you just want good things to happen to no matter what situation they’re in. That alone makes the film, at some points,  passable. But Jackie can’t be in every shot and when he’s absent, the awkward script feels rushed and pointless.

Closing thoughts. In case you hadn’t gotten the idea by now, the movie just doesn’t work for me. There were a lot of families at the theatre where I watched it and the kids seemed at least moderately entertained. But if the best thing you can say about a movie is “Take your kids, they’ll probably stay quiet for ninety minutes” then you’re not saying much.

Coming up next (hopefully) tomorrow is my delayed review of Legion followed closely by The Tooth Fairy.

Cheers.

Sef.

Okay, moving into single reviews now because three in a row hurt a little.

The Book of Eli is the latest effort from the Hughes Bros. Albert and Allen. The two that jumped on the scene with Menace 2 Society but, since then, have quieted down significantly save for a handful of widely unseen films and  their adaptation of Alan Moore’s masterful From Hell which Alan Moore has publicly criticized (granted, he does that with all films based on his work). It stars Denzel Washington, a man incapable of giving a bad performance, as Eli. Eli is one of the few survivors left on earth after the ‘Big Flash’ (Nuclear bomb) and he feels he has been entrusted by God to carry a certain Holy Book from one coast to the other in order to bring said Book to its rightful home. And let nothing get in his path.

As is usual on the internet, minor spoilers throughout.

Expectations make up a great deal of how one views a film. For instance people went into the Godfather part 3 expecting (or hoping) for something that could stand beside both  Godfather’s part 1 and 2 (as well they should have). When what they got was a pretty good movie about an aging mob guy, the reaction was pretty tepid.

On the other side of the spectrum you get a movie like The Book of Eli. People weren’t going to this one looking for a potential candidate for best picture. The ad campaign  made that pretty clear.This Movie Will Ask No Hard Questions, Don’t Worry. There will be action, the  bloody kind. It’s post apocalyptic but, even with food scarce, bullets aren’t, and while there’s going to be some religious overtones (I’m guessing no ones’ shocked that the Book in question is the Bible) it’s nothing that will stop anyone from chopping off a limb or two.

And for the first two acts of the film, this is most definitely the case. Eli (Denzel) carries his book through trechourous lands where marauders lurk behind every tree. He’s ambushed by a group of mauraders outside a small town but he cuts through them with the skill of a ninja. Once in the town he cuts through another group of marauders which wins the attention of the town’s founder, Carnegie (played by Gary Oldman). Then Carnegie discovers Eli has a Bible (Carnegie is a book nut and after the Big Flash, all Bibles were burnt) and then Eli has to cut through another bunch of  marauders to leave.  After he escapes Eli is  followed by a young girl named Soleris (Mila Kunis), who is the daughter of the woman Carnegie has chosen as wife. Soleris is tired of this one horse town and feels safer with Eli. The two of them learn something about life  as they cut through marauders together.

So far it was giving me everything I was expecting. Things going bang, great actors chomping up the scenery like there’s a very large paycheck underneath (their probably was) and a some really hot women who, along with bullets, also saved teeth whitening toothpaste. Expectations met. Me satisfied.

Then we get to the ending.

Now, I’ve made the decision not to give away this ending, even though I kind of want to. My reason for this is simple. I thought the ending was awesome, many others don’t. I don’t mean I thought it was awesome on an ironic level.  I mean it was awesome because it was ballsy and it made me want to see the film again. I’ve heard some (the new guys on At the Movies to name a couple) describe the ending as preposterous and maybe if I was expecting an amazing film I would have agreed but, like I said, I went in expecting things to go boom. The directors made that movie, knew they were making that movie, but on the last reel said “let’s make a different movie and see if anyone notices.” Well I did, and I was grateful. Risk taking is not always smiled upon and god knows when it doesn’t work in a movie a risk can turn a thoroughly entertaining film into something awful or worse, something forgettable. But risk taking should always be admired because when it works, as I think it did in this case, I as an audience member feel honoured that the directors, writer, and everyone involved thought that I deserved to see something just a little bit different.

Now, as far as post apocalyptic films go, is it up their with The Road Warrior or the recent The Road? Good god no, but it’s better than you’d think. I know that doesn’t sound like high praise but after sitting through Leap Year, god dammit it’s good enough for me.

Okay, that should cover Eli. I’ll be back with The Spy next door soon, as I attempt to catch up to all that is current.

Cheers.

Sef.

In case you are wondering yes, I’m starting this late.

Okay, let’s get it rolling.

Youth in Revolt.

Okay, I need to start this one with a rant.

I hate teenagers. Hate…hate…hate them.

Okay, not all of them. But the teenagers reading this have to admit, you send your worst out to the cinema on a Friday night.

I went and saw this film at the slowly dying Multiplex that is Station Square in metrotown. I went on a Friday night by myself (stop judging me) And sat down about fifteen minutes early. It looked, right up until two minutes before the show, that the crowd would be light.

Then they came.

The teenagers. And they talked. All of them talked. They never stopped talking. And it wouldn’t have been so bad if they’d actually been talking about the movie but they were just…talking.

There were two groups in particular that stuck out. There was the group of what looked like ten-year olds that spent the entire film going back and forth, getting more food, and talking in badly hushed voices about their plans that night and, of course, walking in front of me every ten minutes or so. Then there was the teenaged couple that sat down fifteen minutes late and talked in not even an attempt at hushed tones about their plans that night and, what’s more, challenged anyone who didn’t like their talking (and there were a lot of them) to move because they weren’t going to stop. But what really cinched it for me was when the movie was over, both those groups said as a group. “Man that movie was boring. I almost fell asleep.”

You…fucking…retards.

Every thing you just did during that movie, talking and eating and yelling at people, you could have accomplished siting on a bench in a park and it would have cost you one quarter the money (assuming they bought snacks) and you have the nerve to say the movie was boring? YOU DIDN’T WATCH A MOVIE YOU BRAINDEAD MORONS. You WITNESSED  a movie. Not even that. You were present at the screening of a movie to which you showed no interest .  So a big fat suck me off to you sirs and madams. Yes, a big fat suck me off indeed.

Oh and if you’re wondering, I didn’t complain to the management because, like I said, Station square is a dying theatre and the only people working their at night are ninety eight pound teenaged girls. And the reason  I didn’t say anything to the annoying teenagers myself is…well…I’m frail.

So, the Movie itself is funny and at times damned near awesome, if not a little inconsistent. It tells the story of Nick Twisp (played my Michael Cera), a young man who’s more than a little lost in life that wants to get the girl, but has come to the conlussion that girls just don’t like guys like him. So in reaction to this, he creates a fictional persona, Francois Dillinger (Also Cera, in his biggest stretch yet) to teach him to be bad and, at times, do the thinking for him.

While this is a fun premise, it also illustrates the film’s only big problem for me. What I just told you is what you saw in the preview but the fact of the matter is that’s NOT what the film is about. The film is just about Michael Cera in some really funny, edgy scenes. The Francois Dillenger Character seems very important when he comes into play, but then he disappears randomly for extended periods of time while Nick Twisp gets into trouble. True, Francois is the catalyst for many of these situations but he doesn’t really feel like as much of a character as he should be. Which turns the film’s most advertised convention into not much more than a plot device.

But at the end of the day it didn’t matter, because the film is, at times, one of the funniest films I’ve seen in ages. Not just Cera but the movies supporting cast, Steve Buscemi, Fred Willard, Justin Long, Ray Liota, most  are only on screen for a few minutes but they milk their time for all it’s worth.  Cera is, as usual, a great unlikely lead. And Portia Doubleday as his girl strikes a great balance between the good girl everyone should date and the bad girl everyone wants to date and, sometimes, both at once.

So in closing. I’d say give it a shot, at least on DVD.

Okay, next up.

Daybreakers.

Saw this one on a Tuesday Matinee. I’m a single man in my early thirties who often goes to movies on my own. I have now discovered that, if single men in their early thirties were an Alien species, the Tuesday Matinee would be our mother ship.  Keep strong boys.

I’ll be quick on this one  if you don’t mind because it’s late and I’m tired. Daybreakers is a movie I really really wanted to like, but couldn’t. It’s got an awesome premise (a world where Vampires have completely taken over that is now running out of Blood) and it’s got some great action but it concentrates on, in my opinion, the most boring part of the premise and that is the obvious one. One Vampire trying to find a cure for vampirism.  He finds some of the last humans who may hold the key. There’s some car chases, some blood, some vampires that don’t want to get cured even when a cure is found, essentially everything that’s supposed to happen.  At times it felt like the movie was going through a checklist. Now, truth be told this movie looks amazing and, as seems to be a theme with movies this week the acting was superb (god bless you Willam Defoe) but, as a film, it kept on hinting at things that I wanted to know more about. How long did it take the humans to fall? When they did, did the Vampires set up a government or was it just anarchy for a while? Did they ever try and work together? Nothing like that comes up.  Maybe I’m being to hard on it but this movie felt like a pitch. I don’t think anyone producing this ever thought it as going to be something special, and I don’t think the film itself was ever someone’s baby.  Now, I’ve got at least one friend that loves this movie so this is where I remind y’all, I’m not the authority, I’m a guy with a free blog.

Okay, now lastly.

Leap Year.

This is the first movie I was seeing that I dreaded horribly. Why? Because I would never see this movie in a million years if not by force. I may not have been big on Daybreakers but the fact of the matter is, I do like a good blood splattering every now and then and that movie had it in spades. Leap Year is a romantic comedy and, as I do read the reviews, it was one that strove to do absolutely nothing new, original, or memorable with the genre. Essentially when I sat down I felt like I was going to the dentist.

And yeah, that pretty much sums it up. Does it sound like I went in with a chip on my shoulder? Probably, but that doesn’t mean the film couldn’t have won me over. I saw Jennifer’s Body thinking it was going to be crap and ended up loving the thing. But this movie didn’t even try. It’s the story of a young urban professional girl who goes to Dublin Ireland to propose to her boyfriend who’s there on business. She has to propose on Feb. the Twenty ninth because, as the tradition says, the Leap Day of Leap Year is the only time of year that a woman can propose to a man. Her flight gets delayed on the way which forces her hold up in a small town with one bar and one hotel and, as far as I can tell, nothing else. Everyone at the bar is always at the bar. I think the bar itself may be a prison where the Irish decided, long ago, to store their worst stereotypes. Anyway, she meets the bartender/cabdriver/innkeeper/bad boy who was hurt and though he would never admit it is looking for love and, low and behold, he’s the only man who can get her to her boyfriend in time.

Now, I like slasher movies. And yes, slasher movies follow a certain rhythm that is more than a little predictable so maybe it’s not my place to criticise. But, fuck it, it’s my blog.

How many fucking times can we see a movie about a girl and a guy who start by hating each other and end by loving each other?  And it’s not just that they did it (I understand, conventions become conventions because they are successful) but dear god. if you’re going to start with that at least make sure to look at the other films like that to make sure that, just maybe, you’ll bring something new to it. This movie felt like it was written by a Producer. Or more accurately, it was conceptuallized by a producer and then he hired a writer (or writers) to try to get it done for a deadline. Everyone got paid, no one got hurt, it’ll probably make money some day, but god damn it we deserve more. Don’t we?

Okay. That’ll do it for the first week. Like I said I’m a week behind so I’ll probably polish off the second week in the next couple days, then I’ll try to get a better structure going. I.E. review individual films and not all in one week weeks. Also as I do this more I promise I’ll actually do research, mention writers, directors, producers, and things I really should have had before I sat down but the point was to test the water with both feet.

I’ve started now, I can’t go back. Wish me luck.

Cheers.